A flower for Mona

“Good morning.”

“Thank God you’re here.”

“Who?”

“You.”

“No.”

“No what?”

“We cannot start the day on desperation. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just glad to see you.”

“No you most certainly are not.”

“I am.”

“What’s the angle?”

“The angle?”

“Hidden camera? Spider in my coffee mug? Itching powder in my boxers?”

“I’m lost.”

“Uh huh. I bet.”

“Alright. There is something.”

“Oh fuck. I need coffee first. Wait. It doesn’t have anything to do with the coffee, does it? I cannot possibly handle a coffee situation. Not even a little.”

“The coffee is fine.”

“It feels like my entire world if crumbling.”

“You know what, you’re awfully high strung.”

“Not me.”

“A lot.”

“Maybe a little.”

“Get me one too. It’ll prove there is nothing wrong with the coffee.”

“It will indeed. Unless…”

“Unless what?”

“Were you happy to see me because you wanted coffee?”

“No.”

“Uh huh.”

“You seem extra jumpy this morning.”

“A little.”

“What happened?”

“Coffee. Then you. Then the story.”

“Don’t forget…”

“The hazelnut creamer. I’m not a child.”

“And the…”

“Three sugars. I know.”

“What about…”

“Two napkins. A stirrer. And grab any fruit left.”

“But not…”

“Not the bananas because you hate how I leer at you as you eat them.”

“Wow.”

“I know the routine.”

“Hard to believe some woman hasn’t trained you to be this obedient at home.”

“I am this obedient at home. Plus the magic tongue.”

“Eww. Too bad you’re still…”

“Me. Yeah. I know. Trust me.”

If I could have one relationship as good with a lover as with Mona I would be happily married. Funny how things don’t tend to work out that way.

“Thank you. Ooooh. A plum! Did you fold the napkin into a flower?”

“Origami classes. Two nights a week. It calms me.”

“What’s her name?”

“This shit again?”

“Mike.”

“Mona.”

“C’mon.”

“There is no lady.”

*Uh huh.”

“I’m serious.”

“I’ll wait.”

“You’ll keep on waiting. Can’t you just accept I have realized I need to better myself?”

“Like with the poetry.”

“Exactly.”

“The poetry is your way of trying to convince someone there is more to you than a foul mouth and snake like charm.”

“It is not.”

“Isn’t it?”

“It isn’t.”

“But. Isn’t it?”

“No. What did you get all excited about seeing me for this morning?”

“Oh. That.”

“Yes. That.”

“I really wanted coffee. And a plum.”

“How did you know there were plums?”

“What?”

“How. Did. You know there were plums?”

“Lucky guess?”

“Was that a question?”

“Do you believe it?”

“No. I believe you went in there but saw someone you didn’t want to talk to. So you scurried back here like a rat and waited for me to fetch your coffee and plum.”

“I didn’t scurry.”

“What would you call it?”

“I moved with quick short steps.”

“That is literally the definition of scurry.”

“It is not.”

“Look it up.”

“It is.”

“Yes. I’ve seen you scurry enough to know it when I hear it.”

“I don’t like being referred to in the same context as a rat.”

“I don’t like you questioning my origami and poetry.”

*So. What? We agree to ignore the obvious?”

“In an effort to make the other happy? Yes.”

“Deal.”

“Agreed.”

“So what has you all wired this morning?”

“Nothing.”

“Mike.”

“Well. See…”

“Oh god.”

“It has to do with the poetry. And the origami. But don’t you fucking…”

“I knew it!”

“…say that you knew it.”

“So. What did you do?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Seem awfully nervous about nothing.”

“This lady began emailing me about the poems.”

“Okay.”

“We started talking.”

“That happens. Nothing strange.”

“Right.”

“And…”

“Turns out she and her friend both like the poetry.”

“No harm in that.”

“Her friend teaches an origami class.”

“Oh fuck.”

“So we signed up for lessons together.”

“There is going to be some weird paper cut. I can just tell.”

“There is not.”

“Fine. Continue.”

“So we start going to the class. Innocently.”

“Innocently. Check.”

“Well then it turns they both sort of have a crush on me.”

“As long as you pick one and don’t lead both on, I don’t see this being a problem. Are you blushing?”

“No.”

“Idiot. You led them both on.”

“I did no such thing.”

“But you did.”

“Not intentionally.”

“Accidentally led them both on.”

“I liked them both.”

“You wanted sex from both.”

“I mean, if it worked out that way. But it wasn’t a goal.”

“But it was.”

“If a three way were to happen out of nowhere.”

“Organically.”

“Exactly. An organic three way.”

“Well, that would be perfectly acceptable.”

“Right.”

“No. Asshole. No.”

“So. You’re saying no. But is that like one of those high five on the down low type no’s, right?”

“No.”

“Oh. I may have misread the situation.”

“You may have.”

“Accidentally.”

“Accidentally on purpose.”

“You have such a low opinion of me ”

“Earned over years of knowing you.”

“Fair.”

“It is.”

“So anyway…”

“You didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“Try to make the three way happen.”

“That’s a loaded question.”

“It really isn’t.”

“It really isn’t.”

“So. You didn’t.”

“Of course not.”

“So. You did.”

“Maybe. See. Here’s the thing…”

“You are an idiot.”

“I am an idiot.”

“Yes.”

“Yep.”

“So did you?”

“I did.”

“And it was a horrible mistake?”

“And it was a horrible mistake.”

“What happened?”

“Mona. I am a gentleman.”

“I think we established you are not.”

“When a man loves a woman. And another woman. Things naturally occur.”

“Oh Lord.”

“And sometimes these natural occurrences have unforeseen results.”

“Like what?”

“Well, apparently if you seem to show favoritism to one…”

“The other, who wasn’t really into the idea feels slighted?”

“And then it gets awkward.”

“Awkward how?”

“Well. You see that flower I made out of your napkin?”

“It’s lovely.”

“It is. Imagine being told your penis is going to be made into a flower. By someone with the skill to make it happen.”

“She didn’t?”

“No. But she threatened to. And I had no doubt she meant it.”

“Sort of ruined the vibe.”

“A little. Yeah.”

“Poor you.”

“I know.”

“I don’t mean it.”

“I know.”

“If she had done it, you would have deserved it.”

“Maybe.”

“So. No more classes?”

“I think that chapter is closed.”

“Probably for the best.”

“Probably.”

“You sound uncertain.”

“Do you think she really could have?”

“Made it into a flower?”

“Yeah.”

“Not a lot of material to work with. ”

“Yeah.”

“So no. Just sprained it badly.”

“I think your right.”

“It would be pretty neat though.”

“It kind of would.”

“I hope you learned a lesson.”

“I did.”

“Is the lesson you learned to not try again?”

“Uh huh.”

“Or is to be more careful next time?”

“One or the other.”

“You’re still thinking about the flower ”

“I am.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m your idiot.”

“Fuck.”

“Isn’t it beautiful?”

“No. It really isn’t.”

“So beautiful.”

“Why do you have the bandage on your hand?”

“Paper cut.”

“I knew it!”

“From this morning.”

“Oh.”

“I was practicing the flower.”

“For me? That’s so sweet.”

“Sure.”

“Not for me?”

“See…”

“The other lady stayed? After all that?”

“Some people find desperation a turn on.”

“And you made her a flower?”

“I wrote her a note telling her it wasn’t going to work out between us.”

“And folded it into a fucking flower. Why not a heart?”

“That seems callous.”

“But not a flower?”

“Now that I hear it out loud…”

“I’m glad you cut yourself making the flower. Asshole.”

“I didn’t. She sliced me with the note after reading it.”

“Deservedly.”

“It really hurt.”

“Poor baby.”

“Right.”

“You are hopeless.”

“Yep. A hopeless romantic.”

“Ugh.”

“Now hurry up and eat that plum. I love when lick the juice off your fingers.”

“You ass.”

“Grrrrrowl.”

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