there is this thing that if you don’t have it you truly don’t understand what it is
you may have experienced the edges of it, but it was a pit stop on the road, not a destination
it’s called mania, it is pure speed and light and joy and wonder and your kind in perfect synch
it is perfection
it comes with a price
for every day of racing along in the world like you probably feel you should always feel
well
you’ve experienced this as well, even if you haven’t been forced to follow demands of the mistress
it feels like your organs are coated with tar, but it sort of stings as it colors the grays
this lass is anxiety, she is the harbinger of the lady depression and is a bit of masochist
she likes pain
with her cool touch everything is off, something is wrong, you said did imagined it no matter what
then comes the full on depression like slipping into fireant pajamas for a cozy three week nap
so you are soaring
right
then you cannot tell in the sudden fog if there is a tree around the bend and you know there is
ultimate high denied
and depression isn’t i am sad and want to cry, no no no it is i cannot get up and i hate myself for it
i need to do things
i do
i won’t because i cannot and i cannot say why i cannot because i can’t bring myself to
okay
shower? meh
food? meh
leave the house?
fuck right off
so why do we tend to overdose?
we chase that high to avoid that low and it becomes and endless cycle of masking the symptoms
then you are rock bottom to the tenth degree and you cannot find the memory of the high
what always helps?
drugs
what never helps?
drugs
but it sure feels like it
until it doesn’t
and then it all feels like nothing
creation, something so effortless at the mania is now right behind a thin pane of diamond
so drugs.let you take it and half heartedly make it again
until you need more and more to maintain that razors edge you run like an exhausted chimpanzee
some quit in time
some find the balance
a lot overdose because it is better than nothing, the nothing, her nothing but a royal we kind
and then it’s done
thank god
this isn’t a cry for help
it’s casual conversation while drowning
I agreed the final line encasulates the essense.
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it’s funny when it rings true
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It’s funny to see how it plays out in everyday life standing in the the break of the rip current
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“this lass is anxiety, she is the harbinger of the lady depression” “I cannot and I cannot say why I cannot”
this piece is as close as it gets to describing the indescribable, drowning while clutching words, the alphabetic
life preserver…….
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All we’ve got sometimes. It’s terrible and wonderful.
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A casual conversation while drowning… that says it all.
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I think so as well.
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