a miserable stain

did i tell
you about the cardinals
i was sitting
sipping coffee
when a flash
of crimson darted
past the window
as i watched
the female
poked her beak out
from a nest
carefully hidden
against the wooden planks

they reminded me
of illinois
the state bird and all
plus
it always felt
lucky
when i caught a glimpse
at the female
i don’t know why
maybe it felt like
i knew a secret
or she trusted me
to see her

there is spiral
that begins
with thoughts
of home
or home that really
isn’t home
but wore the title
long enough

and now
my friend is dead
and my voice
chokes me
because i saw a cardinal
and he took his life
and I can’t help
but wonder
if it was at the same time
i don’t know why
i just need
a connection
a purpose
something more than
this emptiness
thay has wrung
every tear
yet calls for more
insatiable
for the salty
evidence
i still am partially
human
partially
alive

i didn’t tell you
because
i couldn’t speak
and instead
all i did
was ruin everything
and the fucking
cardinals
don’t mean anything
and these tears
are just
wasted moisture
and i can never
be anything
but a stain
that loves you

just a miserable
goddamned stain

2 thoughts on “a miserable stain

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