dictionary pages

i had hoped
to settle in on
a cold clarity
by this point
but judging by
how fast my heart
is beating
and the hives
that continue
to spread
i am not doing
alright at all

it is burning
white hot against
my chestbone
sputtering as it
redlines into
a much wanted
oblivion of sorts

i am sliding away
hanging on to
the last sparse blades
of grass at the edge
of this crumbling cliff
and i want to
just let go

usually the clarity
kicks in and walks
me back a few feet
i am anchored
tethered safely
not tettering madly
on the verge of
something momentous
but celebratory and
catastrophic aren’t far
apart in the dictionary
the true holy book
for shitty poets
running on borrowed time

some people can
reach out for help
i type out that
i am struggling
in lowercase
and seem surprised
when no one responds
when they see me
hanging onto the edge
i just smile
wave politely
and ask how they are
no reason to be
a burden when
i am barely
an afterthought

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