i was a
in a day before
attention defecit
there were
kids like me
that couldn’t
sit still as
the teacher
went over
the same thing
on repeat

they tried
to stop the
loud poor kid
clearly bored
the ones that
needed the

one year
the teacher put
the desks in
a horseshoe
mine went
dead in the center
they tried
back of the room
front row
next to the
teacher’s desk
in the hall
the principal’s
small office

nothing worked
straight a’s
and a series of
red marks
describing my
inability to
be quiet

if only they
could see me now
no longer the
loudest one
covered in
dark bruises
a sad sack of
ruptured depression
carrying the scars
of a childhood hell
folding may day
baskets while
crying alone
in the hallway

i sometimes
wonder if
the drugs
would have worked
if drugs would
work for me now
uninsured and
at risk for
sepf harm
scraping together
couch pennies
to buy ibuprofen
to dim the
lightning flashing
in my mind

so fully
the only choice
was go full
ostrich and bury
my shame in
the loose soil
unvisible and
growing weirder
every single
evening spent
drowning in
this silence
until the line
between human
and being
is as blurry as
the past i
am running from

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