a shot and a swim

i bathe
in a fecundity
of sorrows
the black rains
melt tissue
from pitted bone
yet this
unnatural buoyancy
won’t allow me
to fully succumb
a vaguely
humanlike apparition
hovering at
the edge of
a total collapse
and i am tired
of fighting
tired of trying
for a speck of
happiness in
a world of
emotional investment
with a guarantee
of lesser returns
with each and every
trip through
the spin cycle

i am either
twenty years
too early
or a century
too fucking late
to be such an
immaculate disaster
in the face of
permanent despair

follow your dreams
they preach
knowing they are
ground to a mist
so fine they
cause tiny tears
with every
labored breath
the fine grit
tearing you apart
from the inside out

it is another
goddamned ponzi scheme
like happily ever after
and setting goals
in a minefield of
adolescent scarring
with nothing but a
fond farewell and
a kick in the ass
as they show you out
the revolving door
there isn’t enough
sweet amber whiskey
to drown the silence
enough to not be forced
to hear every dream
shatter on the ground

i am too tired
to play another round
of charades
and my chest hurts
from all the words
i swallowed
as i made the best
out of a no win situation

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