day four or five

day four
of this incessant
ache clustered
in my skull
consistent
bad enough
that i try to
sleep yet lay
with it scraping
a layer between
awake and trapped
in half dream
where everything
is just out of reach
as i lay there
staring at the
fucking ceiling
a solitary
nerve ending
held to a flame
at the edge of
begging for release

day five
is coming even if
there is no separation
between states of
anxietal panic

some nights
even as i know
it is just a
panic attack
part of me hopes
maybe i am wrong
and it is finally
the worst case scenario
i half pray for
still i force myself
to breathe
as my heart sends
cracks through
that judgmental ceiling
and exhale my love
into the æther again

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