in an embarrassment
of ingrained issues
feeling as if
i do not truly exist
is the one i struggle
against the hardest
and it is the one
in which i was thrust
at a time when falling
to pieces was already
culminating profusely

i used to daydream
about being saved from
the events that broke
an excitable young boy
into a mass of fears
to be somewhat functional
with regular emotions
not a whirlwind of
hyperbolic whims tearing
little moments of peace
into a tornado of razors
but now i see the coward
who should have ended
the entire mess before
innocents were swept up
in the storms of madness

i am nothing
a shadow playing at
chasing real person dreams
meant to be ignored
because that is easier
than trying to understand
pleading for the same
unattainable things
not worthy of the
effort it requires
unseen unheard
unthought of
as the silent dismissal
pushes the buttons
of my secret
self destruct sequence

a little more effort
and the superficial
scarring could have been
enough to spare
a lifetime in mourning
someone of value
could have stepped in
and the world would be
a happier place
instead i shed dreams
in a fury of scales
which cut my feet
the bloody footprints
from my constant pacing
reminding me of how
i failed the ones i love