a rippling blip

the idea
of sleeping
in the embrace
of the undulating
dreamless abyss
only to be
ripped free
and forced into
a new squalling
infant form
to relearn
what it is
to suffer
through life
once more
terrifies me
a perpetual cycle
of reincarnation
bound to this
mortal coil
with no chance
of escape
spun out to
begin again
with only the
fleeting waves
in deja vu
nauseating
moments where
the endless trip
experiencing
soul shattering
loss only to
come back less
whole each time
you are wrenched
from the dark

in my more mad
manic stretches
when sleep is
being a distant
lover keeping
her affections
and attention
frigidly elsewhere
i wonder if it
is possible that
i have been brought
back too many
times and my brain
was broken by
the inudation of
psychic scarring
that now i am
doomed to chase
shadows and feel
the accumulated
anxieties of the
past thousand or so
failed attempts at
finding my nirvana
is no more than a
ever tightening
terminal spiral
leading faster to
a stasis trapped
painfully half aware
pursuing the same
dead ends for eternity

next time i hope
i come back as the
village simpleton
no expectations
incapable of seeing
beyond the moment
nearly as much as
i hope it is just
another poor attempt
at assigning meaning
to a meaningless
blip rippling the
placid surface of
an infinity of night

3 thoughts on “a rippling blip

  1. Well, technically you’re studying the whole reincarnation thing incorrectly. You are attached to the material plane, so you keep coming back until you learn. Not saying this is true, or about you personally. But in the philosophy of reincarnation your soul is being allowed as many times (chances) as it takes until you become free. You are not being punished like you feel you are. (Again you, in general, as I’m not here to tell you what your personal suffering is or how it should be resolved.) That you are working through your patterns of suffering-thought in poetry is healing. But it can also show you where you choose to get stuck. Staying stuck. I can look back on my writing and see where I didn’t move on. Sometimes that tells me where my work still is and other times it means it’s time to stop beating that dead horse. What would happen if you wrote a total piece of fiction? What would it say so incredibly different than you would normally write? How would that open you? Or would that just get in the way? I don’t know what you want from your writing…
    I should not give unsolicited advice… I realize this…
    Not being able to sleep sucks… I use to get insomnia… It’s painful… Anyhow, your poem is well written and honest and it reaches out because it wants to know and it wants healing… and that’s good. But I loathe when people judge my writing and think they should “help save” me so I’m sorry if I’m acting like a typical jerk. Happy New Year to you… I hope that’s not a hollow sounding thing to wish you… you deserve to be happy. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Happy new year to you as well. I’m working through thoughts on reincarnation for a novel idea mostly. I don’t believe in anything, personally, but I find belief beautiful. I am apparently pretty method in my writing process and need to feel the emotion I am writing to really capture it correctly in my mind. Sometimes the poetry is finding that place, honing the pencil tip until it is ready to write. The insomnia is real, the anxiety as well, lol. But I appreciate reading your thoughts, I like the idea of finding a center and fixing yourself eventually. A nice dream at least.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s exciting you are working on a novel. Method “acting” is an interesting way to write. I like that you are able to do that. It makes your work empathetic and believable. I wonder why you find belief “beautiful” of all things? I find belief mostly lazy. Belief takes the easy way out. Belief doesn’t want to know. Belief is bossy… There are systems of belief that appear beautiful, but are they? I’m not saying there aren’t real things to believe in, or even magic things to believe…But I’ve learned to be weary of “believers.”
        I don’t know about finding a “fixed center” or even a “dream” I’d cling to… per se…
        Maybe I should reflect longer on what that even means.
        I enjoy (enjoy is not the right word. That’s a limited word. I learn from your writing…) But ok I enjoy your writing and I thank you for some insights into your method. I look forward to your novel! That’s a good center to strive for.

        Liked by 1 person

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