when i was a teen
the concept of living
past thirty seemed
unfathomable

life was a finite fuel
and i tried to burn through
all of it in double time

drinkingsmokinglaughing
charging up expenses
with every intention
of skipping the bill

the conceit of youth
eased compartmentalizing death
into an admissable abstract

there was no expectation
of settling into middle age
my dad barely grazed it
and so far the sins of the father
had carried through and through

it was the concept
of mortality which escaped me
not the inevitability of death
which i eagerly embraced
in youthful ignorance

it wasn’t an urge
to die young as much
as fearing reaching an age
where all that remains
is to finally die
with an empty tank
and a full diaper
babbling on about
how things were better
back in my day

they weren’t

i wouldn’t want anyone
to grow up the way i did
alone and anxious
it’s enough
we die that way

some of us just made it a career