Mr D, words

I showered and shaved my head today

that doesn’t sound like much to you but it was monumental for me, just getting up and moving was feat of legend

I sit here and wallow in the agony because what if I were to go outside

what if I had to interact with someone

what if 

some days it is easier to play what if with my head than to actually do the things I want to do

I never go alone

mr depression is always whispering to me, telling me it isn’t worth it, I’m not worth it, that everyone will see I am broken and steer clear

he is almost always right

so I just sit here and remind myself that it cannot hurt any worse all alone than it would if I were to try and suffer another colossal defeat

I go to the bathroom and sometimes just stop and stare at that piece of shit in the mirror, abject hatred written on his features, pain in those hazel eyes and I want to shatter it into dust that cannot look back mockingly any longer

I shaved and it was terrifying

ten minutes alone with him reminding me that everything is bad, has gone wrong, is all my fault, blade to my skull, pulse racing, worrying what he is going to whisper next

smooth scalp, ugly words

so most of the time I give in to his suggestion that tomorrow is a better day for going outside

listen to the same three albums on repeat and feel that pressure mounting, singing and crying along to the words of someone who is brilliant

I ask mr depression to take a break, to go on vacation, see the sights and let me breathe

he likes the couch, the dark room, maybe he is right maybe I need to just let the words flood through me, maybe it isn’t worth it

you cannot fail if you don’t try, and I don’t 

you cannot make a fool of yourself if you never interact with anyone but me, he seductively says in the back of my head

I hear you

it is like having a parasite burrowed into my brainstem, losing control of my limbs, a passenger in my own body

he was mad I shaved today, who am I trying to impress he snarled, what good will it do, no one wants you, you are a mess and a tragedy waiting to unfold

I fought through it though

shaved and showered and lotioned and then went right back to my perch, a good boy, obedient and steadfast

mr depression mocked me, laughed at how smooth my head was, perhaps if you had a full head of hair everything would have worked out, no one would ignore you, the offers would come rolling in, hair equals confidence and your beard is shitty

he is right, I should shave off the beard and grow the remaining strands out on my head, a comb over to come over my insecurities

but I would have to get up

we both know he doesn’t want that

he doesn’t like when I work out either

he doesn’t like me, but like how I need him he needs me, codependent, one chemical deficiency to add to my insufficiency, to rally the shattered glass of a broken mirror and battered psyche

I will just sit here a while longer and wonder why the phone hasn’t rang, I put out posters begging anyone who has seen my lost sense of self worth to call, it has a stick figure with bandaged hands and an arrow through the heart

inbox is empty, messages sent but unread, test texts to make sure the phone even works

it does, not that anyone would know it

tomorrow is a better day for going outside, maybe we should just sit in and listen to music

you can write, that always makes it some what better, the words pour out and the tears flow and you know no one is going to understand and offer any help so let’s just not

we can sit here and I will go over the things that failed this year

how about that

you can curl up in a ball and want to die and I can remind you of every single thing you did wrong in the last 330 or so odd days

I told you that shaving was unnecessary, but you decided it was a good idea

I am going to pick what we watch

yes mr depression 

and we will turn the volume way up and you can check your phone every fifteen minutes to see no one cares

yes mr depression

next time maybe you will listen when I say something is not worth the effort, like talking to people and giving a damn

yes mr depression 

good boy, now let’s talk about when she cheated on you while you worked sixty plus hours a week and she couldn’t manage to find a job

and let me regale you with the tale of the one that got away, and the one that misunderstood, and the one that…

yes mr depression

I wish I had never shaved today, there was no reason, I wonder what is on tv

if you see my self worth, tell him I miss him and he needs to come home

9728970088, he knows the number, just tell him to call and check in

4 thoughts on “Mr D, words

  1. I meant if you have read it. It is beyond the battle of the mind most people say or think. What you wrote is the battle with demons. They appeared to be friends, bad influence type of friends, those hanging around and suck you dry. Without them you feel kinda missing something…less entertainment at times…but they suck you to skeletal in the end.

    Liked by 1 person

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