i miss you

miss your smile and your laugh, the way you smell and dance when you think no one is looking

in another life maybe we will find each other again

i will see you across the room and something will click, we won’t have the same baggage, the same hang ups

our eyes will meet and you feel it too, a quickening of the pulse, the sense of something meant to be

one day

the words said will be erased, the regrets, the actions taken in petty revenge over misunderstandings

you will be able to give your all and it won’t be so one sided

at least that is what happens in my dreams, the things i don’t like to admit

you fell softly and i fell hard, it happens, you needed a distraction, i wanted more, my heart was shattered, you walked away

and carefully i have put it all together again, but there was damage beneath the surface, some breaks never quite heal

so i am taking a hiatus, keeping myself closed off from this world of pain, no more being trash when i need to learn to be a treasure

so thank you for another lesson learned, of burning bridges and seeking to become more

i miss you, still love you and need to learn to stop

even if i don’t want to

even if i need to but refuse to admit it

maybe tomorrow, or next month, year, decade

not today

i dreamt of you last night, and for the first time in a long time you weren’t accompanied by monsters, maybe that was a sign of healing, been a while since you haunted my sleep and didn’t bring an army of evil along

one day you will understand, it was simple how i always felt because it was real, something you have never known

the one thing i tried to teach you

but it is impossible to heed the words of the broken, to lay the sharp pieces next to each other and make a bloody stained glass window into the soul

they say you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, but has anyone ever tried to put the egg back together once they found the vegetables had spoiled, the meat gone rancid, the butter gone sour from sitting out all night

you cannot ever reconstitute the oily taint out of blood, once permeated it is only going to blacken from the heat

can’t carry a bible to protect yourself after selling your soul, ask tom walker or daniel webster

you can never unbreak a heart, once the crack has formed the steel turns brittle, a sugar lattice in the basic composition

and you can’t undo the past, not with pretty words or penance, with a pound of flesh or coins for the ferry ride

there ain’t no way to say goodbye without losing something of yourself in the process

but i’m still trying to find a way

until then

i’ll try and remember the good, and not let the bad fester

roll with punches, while throwing a haymaker of my own

i can take a beating

look at my weary face

but i’ll be damned if i am gonna be the only one bleeding when the bell rings

and i’m still standing on these shaky knees

but i’ve forgotten what comes between t and v, and that is when she became what lies between w and y