i see her in everyone

her eyes

her smile

strangers in a crowd

they make eye contact and smile her smile

a smile that was made just for me

or at least i thought it was

but i saw her sitting with him

a him that wasn’t me

or was it

am i the me i think i am or just a carbon copy of the real thing and that’s why she doesn’t seem to know me

i don’t know anymore

i don’t recognize faces

just features

but in a room of people i can always see her

sitting at a bar drinking a martini and smoking a cigarette in her tight black dress and silver glitter in her hair

across from me on the bus typing furiously on her phone

i’ve learned to wait until she sees me before approaching on the off chance the she i see is not the she i hoped she was

it wasn’t always like this

she and i lived happily in a little home by the sea

just us and our dog and the waves slapping the shore

then one day she was gone

there was an accident

the details are fuzzy

something about a car

but when i woke up she was gone

there was a stranger in my room wearing her things

so i left to find her on my own

i’ll know her by her smile

that crooked tooth and her bright eyes with a twinkle whenever she tells a lie

how she put her feet on my lap when she wanted a massage

or the way she sang in the kitchen while cooking

her eyes were blue like the sea

or green as emeralds

perhaps they were deep brown like a melty chocolate chip in a cookie

i’ll know when i see them

if i am the me i think i am then she will see the me i think i am

i just know it

i think

things grow fuzzy sometimes and i forget what i am doing

these headaches

when they come on i lose focus

focus

focus

it’s like everything is fractured

fragmented

the world goes woozy

only she can help

i just have to find her

wait a second

you have a nice smile

and pretty eyes

have we met before

i’m looking for someone

could you be her

have we met before

i’m sorry

my head hurts and i don’t remember why i came in here

i was looking for someone

maybe it’s you

hello