1

depression is like clinging to nothing

2

falling into the void with willing abandon, swimming in the cold comfort of her vacant

3

her eyes on me from across the room, burning into me, pulling me into her orbit where i am hopeless, only able to gaze in adoration before feeling the flames of reentry, before

4

a freshly cut line of powder on a silver serving tray, diesel fuel stomped onto the leaves, left curing in the tropical heat, humidty and mosquitos and mesh netting draped in brush

5

relapses, falling into old comforts, poisons to kill the pain, numb the demons

6

evil, she screamed i was evil and chased me with a crucifix, it was ridiculous and i would have laughed had i not found it so horrifying, her teeth

7

her front teeth biting her bottom lip as she choked down screams of ecstacy, her hips lifted off the bed and gyrating, unconsciously grinding, her hand wrapped around the back of

8

her fingernails dig deep into my arms, rage and loss written across her face as she listened to the muffled voice on the other end of the phone

9

she won’t even look at me, her phone constantly buzzing and her fingers dancing across the screen, the ‘friend’ from work making her smile in ways i haven’t in weeks

10

it has been three weeks since she left

11

woke up with blood crusted on my face from another nose bleed, the chemical taste still dripping down the back of my throat, no missed calls or texts, just razor scratches

12

the pull of the void calls, life in a vacuum, silent and tasteless

13

loving her is like clinging to nothing, a warm wet blanket doing nothing but weighing down everything, making movement a chore, easier to just fall into depression

13

trying to hold her is like coating your body in molten iron and then dancing in a field during a lightning storm

13

loving her is resigning yourself to being a snowman consumed with a desperate need to stand outside on a summer’s day in the heart of texas

13

being with her is like drowning in the center of the desert, burning to death on a glacier

13

she is the void, the vacuum, love and sorrow wrapped in an embrace of death like a cobra and a mongoose

13

loving her means hating yourself

13

missing her means hating yourself

13

loving her and hating her are the same thing after a while

14

i hate poems as lists