incapable

life spent in
a state of bipolarity
is a series
of unparalleled heights
and precipitous falls
occasionally in
the same choking gasp

she has a way
of balancing the chaos
her smile and
effortless understanding
with patient words
walk me back
from the edge
i didn’t realize
i was sprinting toward

when my brain
screams in anxious
alarms of uncertainty
in the dire times
i recognize
it is the electrifed
gelatin falsely ringing
and i want to curl up
roll away like a
leprous armadillo
or idiotic tumbleweed
she reminds me
in her lovingly
logical way
that it isn’t real

it cannot be easy
loving someone with
my silent needs
and inability to speak
except in metaphor
the constant stream
of ignorance
from a life spent
clawing alone inside
my cavernous skull
unable to see
anything but this
myopic wasteland
a battered boy
longing to be loved
but the sad
maternally taught truth
carved into youthful hope
i may not deserve
anything but pain

she doesn’t know
the ways she evens
my insanity out
or how much i smile
at the sound of her
soothing voice
how much i love
when she sounds sleepy
and the desperate desire
to hold her fiercely

because i am not
gifted with the words
necessary to layout
exactly how she
fills in the cracks
that have kept me
broken for so long

that every metaphor
hyperbole
simile
and not so clever
turn of phrase
contains my truth
in the only way
i know how
to express it

i love you
is not easy for me
to let flow
from swollen tongue
over maggot lips
and each utterance
leaves me naked
to the elements
so i tell her
through the ceiling
muttered into
a tightly clenched pillow
or whisper it
to the sparrows
that watch a fool
madly in love
and hope she knows
my heart skips beats
when i think of her
her name written
in cursive
along my aorta
so every oxygen
enriched cell
carries a bit of her

i just wish
i knew how
to make her see it
the way i feel it

somewhere in the next
five thousand or so
odes to the you
with wildflowers
in your eyes
and a promise of heaven
upon your lips

2 thoughts on “incapable

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