i have been missing
absent
no one that looks
into this hazel dismissal
would ever realize
the body is functioning
but the pilot
jettisoned out
the first time
the realization of just
how bad it is living
with this constant cycle
of bipolar insanity is

i checked out
when i realized that nothing
fucking nothing
could fill the cracks
more than momentarily

every now and then
i swagger up to grab
the microphone
looking out over a crowd
of elderly faces
staring dispassionately
as i spill my guts
while a waitress steals
every bit of the spotlight
as she sets bowls
of colorless gruel
to be lapped up
by leathery tongues
over toothless gums

i placed flyers
on every telephone pole
on the back of milk cartons
pleading for someone
to notice i was gone
just proverbial tumbleweeds
ignoring my impassioned
cries to be seen by anyone

reluctantly back
for another go
burning bridges
through my own selfish actions
casting dispersions
uncaring as long as someone
anyone
fucking reacts
justifies my existence
see me
hear me
please
for fucks sake
i am here where i swore
i would never be
begging for scraps
at a table i flipped over
in another of my moods

the only hands that
hold me down
are my very own
the rest of the world
plans for the future
i scrape by daily
hoping for enough
to set it all on fire

throw your rotten fruit
at me as i dance upon the stage
your hate fuels me in ways
your adoration never could