conditioned to be secondary

they said
we are conditioned
in the fear of
missing out
to say yes
to everything
while pushing
our own needs
farther back
until we are
constantly moving
and happiness
becomes missing
from the equation

and i sat there
quivering with little
barbs of anxiety
alone in a room
trying to remember
the last time
i did something in
pursuit of my own
self fulfilment

all of the people
seemed to know everything
about everyone else
and i knew nothing
was aware of no one
saying yes
to everything
sitting in the darkness
writing stories
that weren’t for me
as they lived lives
they shared with those
important to them
and i realized
no one shares anything
except milquetoast pleasantries
with me and i thought
that was just being human

i had my curiosity
beaten out of me
a million questions
that couldn’t be asked
without the
siren sting of a
coat hanger symphony
a stunning lack of
self importance
proven the case
again and again
as conversations are ended
before i even knew
they had begun
all of my messages
left read but casually
left unresponded
because there was someone
more important
they could talk to
while i curl up
nice and small
to not be annoying

can you imagine
feeling fucking everything
like salt water
on bare nerves
living hyperbole
and meaning every
single thing you say
with every cell of the
heart that goes ignored
because no one else
understands what it is
to be a bolt of
emotional lightning
trapped in a jar
ashamed of yourself
because you cannot
turn it off
you cannot not be
the tumbling clown
because your life
has proven
with every casual dismissal
that you are not
to be included
except in pity or
a sense of obligation
in anyone’s life

they said we are
conditioned to say yes
for fear
of missing out
i always say yes
because it is the only time
i feel heard
the lone instance
in weeks of being
shut out completely
anything i say
carries any value
to anyone but the ceiling
because i learned
even when i beg
it is only when i
am useful
that i actually exist
my happiness
is exclusively
considered secondary

2 thoughts on “conditioned to be secondary

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