semiparalytic disasterpiece

my mind
never shut off
as i lay
in a half stupor
body unresponsive
brain screaming
noises i could not
make sense of
calling howling murmuring
a paralytic haze
of unresponsive limbs
staring up
unable to stop thinking
trapped in
a traitorous flesh
lost in the silence
filled with disdain
focusing on all
the flaws in my
diseased soul

the last time
i felt so panicked
in this pinned down
state of paralysis
was the last time
i had opioids
in the hospital
feeling separate from
the flesh tether
as calliope music
drifted down the hallway
screaming without sound
unable to escape
as the pneumonia
ravaged my lungs
and i felt myself
slipping away

six hours spent
uncertain if i ever
managed a moment of sleep
the third day
where exhaustion is
the only thing
that doesn’t find me
absolutely repulsive
and i begin to worry
death is just
your body fading to dust
as your torments
echo in your
now hollow bones
chained to this hell
of conscious unconsciousness
when one lifetime
feels like two too many

maybe i died
in that empty hospital room
and ever since then
the feeling of being
a ghost in my own existence
was the only hint
of the eternal hell
my broken soul endures
going from just right
to too much
to nothing at all
as i journey the rings
draped in mundane attire
always thirsty
but as i bend my head
the water level lowers
starving for more
that is always
just out of reach
the too honest fool
who insulted the gods
chained by night terrors
in a constant state of waking

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