i’m considering self lobotomy

go full old school barbarism and drive a rod in through my tear duct

eradicate the defective parts

i hope that if we do it right the longing and sadness will disappear

no more searching for the things i will never find

erase the yearnings

cause i’m at my wit’s end now

i’m aware it will be painful

but more so than this endless spiral

impossible

the constant ache

i’m tired of playing a game i don’t have all of the pieces for

instable and fluid rules

goalposts that shift with the wind that i never seem to find

it’s that i don’t have much to offer

deficiencies innate and insurmountable it would seem

it is all on me

has to be

so i just need a metal rod

affectionately called an orbitoclast

maybe some whiskey to numb the pain

a mallet

something small and easy to wield one handed

i considered trepancion

drilling a hole to let the demon of love and depression free from the confines of my skull

but that seems shoddy craftsmanship at best

eradication of the problem areas seems more concise

so many self help videos for problem areas of the body

none for the mind

could go with pills and hope the side effects don’t create the next disorder

take one for the sorrow

then one for the blood pressure

another for erections

and one for the bowels

a serpent biting it’s own tail of infinite cures with infinite new problems

and let’s face it

i don’t trust myself to remember all those different pills

with healthcare in this country i most certainly don’t trust the pill pushers either

at worst my way leads to a little scarring

never was all that pretty to begin with

so time for a lobotomy

a little gift from me to me