i become
an amateur
mathematician
adding up
the things
gleamed from
reading between
the lines
double checking
actions against
the meanings
in a series of
justifications
until it
becomes impossible
to ignore the
empirical data
making intuitive
leaps of faithlessness
to come up with
complex formulas
to disprove
simple truths
rationalizing
irrationalities
showing my work
in pedantic words
as i seek to
blame my brain
as a form of
deferred acceptance
to the things
too painful to
outright ignore
playing off
the rejections
as imaginary sums
to prevent from
admitting that
sometimes things
aren’t actually
my fucking fault
even if it feels
as if i have done
everything wrong
triple checking
my shoddy work
a ball of
electrified
nervousness
unplacated by
proven fact