i wake up
already choking
on these unshed
tears as sorrow
fills my vacancy
in a sloshing
nightmare of
my own insecurities
given icy form
and i wish i could
find a dream where
the rope slides
softly around my
wheezing throat
a lullabye for
an endless parade
of bitter failings
shed like dead cells
or carnivorous little
butterflies rabid
for a feast of
childhood scars

i cannot tell if
i ever sleep of if
this waking nightmare
is pennance for the
innocence so casually
stripped away in a
flurry of coathanger
lessons unlearned by
a monster that will
never have a chance
of growing up to
be the things the
endless beatings were
supposed to make him
a suicidal daydreamer
in insomnial disambiguation
seeking an exit in this
fun house maze of my
body dysmorphia in
dead end soliloquies
where i am uncertain
of it is even me i see
or the stain that should
have been scrubbed away
before it had a chance
to ruin the entire carpet

choking down sobs
because these feelings
are insignificant in
comparison to anyone
else who has ever suffered
just a cautionary tale
of expectations in a
selfish world where
inward gazes trump any
indecent prayers of being
equal in anything except
accepting all the blame
learning to tie thirteen
loops with both arms
desperately clutching
a pillow tightly to
expel the loneliness of
the silent abandonment
where i can no longer
force myself to beg for
the scraps held so sacred