something about mines or acceptance

i don’t know
if it is a result
of my childhood
or just a gift
from low self esteem
but my willingness
to accept fault
for other’s actions
is a crippling
effect of what
i assume is
a matyr complex

i let people
treat me like shit
and joyfully
stay where i am
not wanted trying
to fix things
i didn’t even
fucking break
in some sick sense
of responsibility
for their neglect

being human means
navigating minefields
being a fool means
apologizing for
each explosion
caused by the stones
they tossed directly
into your path
as you throw yourself
in the path of
the flying debris
always willing to
sacrifice the pawn
for the dismissive queen

i cannot
who i am
or the broken
way i give my
to another
and i know
i will take
the full blame
the truth of
the situation
for as long
as i can
a lifetime of
assigned fault
made me into
a typically
unaware martyr

but when i do
lift the blindfold
in a fit of
manic clarity
i recognize how
i spent too long
making excuses
for my own
inability to
acknowledge what
was painfully clear
a thousand
self justified
reasons do not
change the reality

despite my darkness
i burn hotter
than a thousand suns
people grow used
to the light
take it for granted
it will always shine
to brighten their day
then when the weight
of my absence settles
like the longest night
they realize exactly
what was taken for
granted for so long

there is no love
quite like that of a
bipolar poet with
a martyr complex
someone who accepts
all of you and only
sees his own flaws
that will always be
the first to apologize
because he won’t even
consider anyone else
could be to blame
a pure river of
undisguised adoration
ever flowing into
perpetuity despite
himself or the truth
of the one way street
in which it runs

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