just a flawed jewel

my ex-wife isn’t a bad person

just another flawed jewel like the rest of us

it was as much me as it was the situation

a swirling storm of unhappiness and debt and taking one another for granted

i always wish her the best

even if she doesn’t know it

but she has the same fear most of us do

of dying alone

not finding that missing piece that somehow magically makes everything better

so she settled on the next guy willing to take the plunge

now i need to preface this

make sure it is clear

i’m not the jealous ex

we sailed our ship until the bottom was ripped to shreds by coral and jagged rocks just off the shore of happily ever after

no matter the patches we hastily hammered into place

the hull just kept taking on water until our dreams were waterlogged mementos of day gone by

and i truly wish her new husband were the type of man i was intimidated by

felt threatened of his relationship with the kids by

wish he were the type of man i wish i was

but he isn’t

the world knows i am deeply broken

unfit for human consumption

but this man

a word i use with utmost contempt

is a twat

dealt a bum hand

and forever polishing the chip on his shoulder with venom and rage

he treats her like no woman should be treated

with vileness reserved for an enemy

most certainly not for a wife

and he does it in front of my children

our children

and damn it all if she doesn’t allow it

make excuses for it

allow him to bad mouth not just me

and not just her

but the only two things of note i have ever done right in my years of gluttony and sin

and i truly hate him

as truly as anyone has ever hated another a person in the history of this world

he berates

he threatens

and he seeks to destroy with his actions and words

but her fear of not having anyone

makes her stay with a no one

and it hurts me to watch

i’ve tried to talk but excuses flow like honeyed wine from quivering lips

she stands to lose it all

blind to the pain she causes by enduring it

i wish i could open her eyes

make her see vision unclouded by fear

but that’s something i gave away when the we that was she and i collapsed upon itself

what she doesn’t understand is that they see it

and they are brilliant perfect little things that know right from wrong

and every infraction sends them a little farther away

i haven’t spoken to my mother in just over nine years

because of what i saw and endured

and i see that in them growing everyday

and all i can do is love them and hold them and try to teach them that it isn’t supposed to be like that

that it isn’t always like that

that there is more to life than being someone’s disappointment

lashing out at another is wrong

it’s all i can do

but one day he is going to make that final wrong move

miscalculate how far he can go

and i’ll be there

and with this tongue of fury

righteous and indignant rage

i’ll put an end to it myself

that’s a promise

and I take those very seriously indeed

she’s just a flawed jewel in need of the right person to shine her up and make her a centerpiece

i wasn’t the man for that job

but that doesn’t mean there isn’t still a task for me

One thought on “just a flawed jewel

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s