the sea

he sat next to the rocky outcropping watching the waves batter the shore

this was his happy place

one where the world stopped feeling so itchy, where the irritants and constant chatter went silent

this was where he came when his wits end were reached, when the thought of letting the azure wash over him and take him far beneath the surface was a better dream than the ones he woke up from covered in sweat and sorrow

he started coming here the day she left him, left him high and dry he thought and what better solution than to watch the water to resaturate his needy mind

the white capped waves soothed him, never the same composition, each one as unique as a snowflake

he grew up next to railroad tracks far the ocean, and at night the chugachug down the tracks rocked him to sleep, the empty cars rattling to and fro his lullaby

there was a similar harmony with the waves breaking and the waters sucking back from the stone, like a mother’s heartbeat in the womb echoing through amniotic fluid

it was calming and alluring, hypnotic with the promise of peace beneath those waves, of sinking deeper and deeper until the silt cradled his limp form, a final lover’s embrace

he would sit for hours at a time, phone in his pocket, nothing in his mind but the rhythmic slapping, lost in the oddly erotic ceaseless thrusting of the sea, the pull of the distant moon holding sway

she was like the moon he realized in an epiphany of sorts, her gravitational swell still pulling at his ventricular prison, the quad valved prison sentence in which she was the warden and he was locked away only seeing light through aortic distortion

she was the ocean crashing against his mind, an endless battering thing that some could have mistaken for love

but if she was his jailor, the sea was his freedom, and his stint in lockup was broken by her rapturous serenity, a dual edged knife in his sternum of loving embrace and agonizing return

if he could he would strip down now, a voice in the back of his head encouraged this, that long ignored pleading of tortured romantic and desperate need, just fold his clothes and set them upon the bench and let her take him, calling, covering him with feverish need to leave behind this world

what had this world ever given him but loss and pain, happiness coming only in brief moments, sandwiched between long periods of loneliness and pain, his childhood an ever escalating series of disappointments and being a disappointment to others

he was always the odd man out even then, preferring his books and the train to sneaking out and smoking cigarettes in the alleyways, the temptation that leads all boys into danger one he sated with books, the understanding of consequence heavy on his young mind

shy and withdrawn led him down a path of emotional vulnerability and lack of social skills which were further emphasized by a home life he suffered through and dreams he couldn’t attain

so he moved by the sea to be free of the shackles of his hometown and start anew where he could be anyone and anything he wished, where he found her and what he thought was love but was just a stepping stone for her, a layover in which he was hers and she was less than inclined to say she was his

and now she had gone the way of everything in his life but the train and the sea and he was now tired, so very tired, exhausted to the bone and dried out by the scorching heat of endless failing and falling apart

his limbs hanging limp by his sides like the branches of a weeping willow tree after a tumultuous thunderstorm, unable to even muster the will to whip about in the final gusting winds, weak and tattered from one too many storms

he was not aware he had removed his tie and gently placed it into his jacket pocket, his shoes and socks as well as he stretched his toes into the grass, as if his body and mind were of accord but chose not to speak aloud the decision, he stood and slowly unbuttoned his shirt and set it with his jacket

he looked about and discovered the only thing watching him was the moon reflected off the water and it cast no judgement nor dispersions upon the choice he had made, the wind felt good on his bare chest and as his pants slipped down around his ankles, his thighs prickled a bit with goose bumps from the excitement he felt

his boxers slid down and the moon stared at his naked form as the silver light of the sun’s wan reflection spread over him, half erect from the thrill of being nude and not fearful of the next step he walked to the railing and without hesitation stepped over it

the rocks were slick with crusted salt and mist from the waves, but he confidently strode across them, ready for this final embrace, to return to the last place he felt truly at home, back into the womb

no fear any longer, no excitement either, just the need to finally rest in her embrace, he leapt and twisted to enter her with his face upturned towards the moon in silent benediction, and then down down into the blue where he could sleep enveloped in her

and down he sunk deep into the sea, where time and emotion flow endless and free, sinking way down beneath the waves, the silt and the seaweed his bed and his grave, and the last thing he heard was his heart like a train, and smiled as he settled down far from his pain, he left all the things of the world on the shore, for the sea was his lover and needed no more, and the moon seemed to smile as he parted the foam, it watched as he finally found his way home, down at the bottom of the ever changing sea, thinking the life he’d been living was no life for he

he was singing as he drifted down into the sea, the embrace of the water and silent beauty, his last bubbles triumphant beneath the waves cover, she wrapped her arms around him like the sweetest lover, the pressure of dry land now given release, the swaying seaweed granting his mind some peace, his body the ocean’s to do as she please, he bobbed on the current like a leaf on the breeze, down to the bottom the coral cradled his head, and the azure his blanket the soft sand his bed, all the stress and the heartache he left far behind, as he sank to the bottom he felt peace of mind

7 thoughts on “the sea

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