the fastest way to a woman’s heart?

it isn’t words, those have always failed me no matter how flowery even if they come from the heart

it isn’t gifts, not even hand crafted with attention to detail and made from the heart

the fastest way to woman’s heart is a path i have yet to find

now the path to a woman’s friendship?

well that is easy, be exactly the type of guy they complain does not exist, the sweet one that listens and gives a shit about how the one she wants does not

be the one who drops everything to be there for her, dive into the depths of misery with her and hold her as she sobs

as long as the one she wants doesn’t call, then be quiet, no sounds, just hold her as she confesses her love for him

a broken heart doesn’t make a sound until you are all alone and no one is there and you sob and sob on the long drive back alone

but the fastest way to win a woman’s heart? be exactly the opposite of what she needs, be shady and let her know she isn’t as important to you as the other women in your life? be the kind of man she bitches about constantly?

i don’t know, i live in the friend zone, that quiet place right next to relationship material, right at the cusp of love, but not that kind of love, you know, like a friend, kind of love, a deep state of like

well i have news for everyone, i am made out of the finest, hand crafted boyfriend material on the globe, they fly in specialists to study my chemical make up in an effort to clone me and apply me to every other man on the planet

i can cook and clean and make you scream my goddamned name as i lick every inch of your frame

i give back rubs that verge on the orgasmic, i give orgasms that verge on the unworldy, i give comfort like an old t shirt and

i give my heart like an unwanted toy, an object to be played with but ultimately left in the trash

i make you feel about yourself like he should

i make you the center of my everything until he shows up

i treat you like a woman should be treated so you know what you are missing out on when you go home with him

i am a starter kit boyfriend, the kind that is nice but doesn’t really scratch that bad boy itch

the kind that your parents love

the kind that is never quite enough

the kind you drop in second when something better comes around

the fastest way to a woman’s heart?

i couldn’t tell you, i gave up on that, my GPS is faulty and every direction i choose pushes them away

the fastest way to my heart?

follow the cobwebs, the abandoned vehicles left on the side of the road, whatever direction you see a lady running from? that is probably the right way

i am boyfriend material, i just haven’t found the right pattern

any seamstress out there looking to make me into the right fit? i am flexible and willing to try

reshape me into the divine myth

you know, until something better comes along