bleached

i have taken to drinking bleach in an effort to whiten the lies, to soften the cries, in the hopes the agony dies

misery loves company yet i always find myself alone

ironic in the sense irony is irrationally less iron than silt

tragedy breeds insolence and apathy, but i could care less, a self fulfilling prophetic leaning of ignorant willful blasphemy

brazenly belligerent, blissfully dumb, bad with words and broken emotionally, a cobbled together menagerie of misspoken thoughts and immature hopes

giving up is the quintessential fact, giving in the ultimate act of self gratification, going out in a storm of written odes to the things i will never have, the happiness i can never hope to accrue

self administered electroshock therapy, word dissociative disorder, a bipolar urn filled with ashes of past regrets, pyromania with an unlimited supply of gasoline and matches, compulsively pathological but only when looking in the mirror

it’ll all be okay he lies unconvincingly to himself

as i lay back and play the black and white fantasies of a childhood painted by rockwell, images flashing that never occurred, drug induced memories and a rock and roll lifestyle minus the roll and inserting the hard place, living just between

a state of indignation, indigenous only in the way i was constantly forced from my home, ignorantly believing this too would be okay, if it doesn’t kill you it makes you more bitter

the last time i held her hand she said the most wicked things in honey dripping tones, her stare cut like a razor and her casual dismissal a royal decree

holding her was like gripping a phantom, making love to a force of nature, being caught in a bermuda triangle of angular lies and implicit deceit

left me a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces, of a serene painting of life behind a psychopathic veneer, happy little trees and the screams of the anguished, brightly colored balloons filled with toxic gas, shards of glass in the ball pit, discarded hypodermics in the floral arramgment

she was the venus flytrap in the ointment and i her unwitting prey, at her feet i would pray, in her hands i was clay, in the end thrown away

the bottles of pills to take the sadness away are filled with microdoses of her lips, of gentle kisses and unrestrained sadism

all i have left to give is this steady stream of nonsensical whimsy, this unrequited epiphany of ignoble destitution, of unpaid bills and unfulfilled promises of one day it will all be better, of one day this low will be a lesson learned, of one day you will look back and laugh

of one day this will be a high point

of one day it will all be over

of one day

of gracious acceptance, of glandular failings, of chemical resplendency, of neurological dependency, of rejected organs and the dichotomies of the different voices in my mind

of sapping strength and cellular degradation

of cancerous creations and psychological terror

textbook definitions and padded rooms, strapped to the bed, force fed through a tubal ligation, meds and therapeutic regurgitation, manipulation, strangulation, triangulating the real from the false, occupying the space between, every thing and nothing

it wasn’t me it was her she said as she told everyone else it was me and it wasn’t her and now i don’t know, but there is always a kernel of truth in every shit sandwich the universe force feeds, here comes the ariplane, directly into the side of the tower of cards built by shaky hands

maybe gargle some chlorox, drink deep from the rotted udder of endless utter disgrace, the dusty aftertaste of dessicants, desecrating the tongue and removing the tonsil, tinsel draped on every surface, leaving little glitter streaks on the spotless linoleum

so i have taken to drinking bleach to whiten the lies, to drown out the cries, as i watch the boat capsize on this river of good byes

7 thoughts on “bleached

  1. Favorite: “the last time i held her hand she said the most wicked things in honey dripping tones, her stare cut like a razor and her casual dismissal a royal decree” I love that. It’s perfect.

    Liked by 1 person

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