i think about death a lot

too much

my death

not suicide

though if i had a nickel for everytime that though had occured i could pay for therapy and a bottle of pills that would stop the incessant erections and thoughts about

i think about death a lot

not sure how you quantify a lot when it comes to thinking of things

i think of you a lot

but those thoughts fill me with joy

but death creeps in sometimes

a lot of times

i sit with a cup of whiskey and stare at the ceiling

love and loneliness playing at russian roulette in my skull

love loses

it always loses

i beg it not to play and it slaps me in the mouth and as i lay holding my busted lip

blood dripping onto my white shirt

when the hammer clicks and the bullet exits it’s precious little head

i think about my death

legacies and what not

am i leaving behind anything worth while

would anyone but the kids notice i was gone

would anyone read my words in five years and wonder why i haven’t put out anything new in a while

is it macabre that these thoughts fill my skull

that i ponder it so often

that i know i’ll die before fulfilling the dream of holding you close and dipping you back as i press my lips upon yours

i don’t want to die

but it’s nice to know that there is an end to this

when i was a kid i wanted to die a lot

too much

every beating made me wish for it to just cease

it wasn’t always my death i wished for

no

so i guess i’ve always spent too much time and glucose on the the energy needed to contemplate my ending

the final chapter to a book of poems no one will read

the longing and needs left with too many pairs of vans and a million words written to you

ignore me

i’m rambling on about things we aren’t supposed to acknowledge

it’s kind of my thing

airing my inner most thoughts and wearing them as a jacket against the bitter cold truths

just know i love you

you know who you are

and all the rest of you too

but in a platonic way

you know

asking too many questions of and not having any defined answers to them but expecting you to be on the same page at all times

allegorically speaking